50 things about me, in honor of reviving my blog

1. I am afraid of elevators.
2. I don't lose well, even to children. A reason I rarely play board games.
3. My humor is one you either find hilarious or don't understand.
4. I find grocery shopping very amusing and fun. (seriously)
5. I have an obsession with soda, but give it up for Lent usually.
6. I hate bacon. The smell of it makes me sick...but I'm a nice wife and I make it for my husband.
7. I really enjoy cooking.
8. I am very disorganized, I can reach into a pile of stuff and find what I want. But if it's sorted? Lost. No clue where it is.
9. I dyed my hair purple at 19 permanently just so I could say I did.
10. I painted all the art in my apartment.
11. I enjoy 80's music when I need to concentrate.
12. My wedding dress literally weighed 20 lbs because of all the fabric.
13. I really want a pair of Christian Louboutain heels someday.
14. My favorite mexican food is the chimichanga.
15. Besides purple, my favorite color is red.
16. All of the shoes I own are purple.
17. My official job is artist on my marriage application.
18. I am a professional artist. I sold some art outside my apartment for 150$. Their insistance. O.O!
19. Barbeque is my favorite flavor of potato chip.
20......though Gibbles hold my heart. I miss them.
21. Despite my docile appearance, I can shoot a target like no one's business.
22. I can be considered flashy with multicolored sparkly flashing rave things, but they draw me in.
23. My preferred art medium is paint.
24. I have only had my picture taken one day in the past 2 years, and that was my wedding.
25. I was never blonde, apparently. I've always had darkish brown hair.
26. I have anxiety attacks often, but not so much since I have been prescribed medication to help it.
27. I dated the wrong "Mr. Right" for 4 1/2 years, then dated and married his best friend.
28. I rather eat a can of fruit than a bowl of ice cream.
29. I am a person you either love or hate, most people can't have wishy-washy feelings about me.
30. I'm actually really shy to people I don't know
31. I hate calling people on the phone, I feel like I am bugging them or interrupting something important. It isn't that I don't love you.
32. Music is the thing that makes me concentrate.
33. It's been 5 years since one of the most influential people to me died. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. It may be depressing to add, but without her, my teenage years would have been full of hate for the world more than a teen should have thought of. She helped me believe I really was someone.
34. I have a really low self confidence, and am just beginning to re-find who I am.
35. My faith may not be so religious as some, but even the ones that fall the farthest only fall as far as the rest of us: The distance from our knees to the ground
36.My music tastes are so diverse, there is no telling what I'll like next, but rock is my roots.
37. I'm too sensitive for my own good, and only pretend to have a rough exterior.
38. I still am afraid of most kids 12-16.
39. I feel like everyone I ever get close to dies of some disease or has some kind of illness that lasts forever and slowly kills them.
40. I really hate coffee or coffee flavored things.
41. I was nicknamed Inspector Gadget by my High School class because I wore LED belt buckles and owned all kinds of gadgets.
42. I giggle everytime I see this number. Read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy if you don't get it.
43. I hate organization, but love color coding.
44. My favorite candy is the Swedish fish
45. Most of my animals are named after pop culture (Grievous, Zuul, Jayne)
46. I don't like cucumbers, but love pickles
47. I have an unhealthy obsession with grenadine.
48. For being shy, I am certified (twice) as a Dale Carnegie graduate, and can teach it.
49. Though once you get me talking, I am hard to shut up.
50. I am horrified of canned biscuits. Because you don't know when it is going to pop....

A year, so long so short.

Tomorrow will be a year ago I stood at the end of an aisle, awestruck of my soon-to-be husband in all his Zoot-suited glory. Wolfish hair, defying gravity gorgeously, those eyes that show his love for me on me and only me...and that smile that brings me through any hard place to smile alongside him. On the arm of my father, my Dad whispers to me to take my time. Most of me wants to just bolt down the aisle to him, but the part of me that knows better listens. I feel all eyes on me, nervously trying to smile. What seems like an eternity, I reach him, his smile bigger than ever, but not as big when he finally could see me, I could tell he was in awe. In awe of me. I was amazed. Never before had I had someone be that truly in awe of me. I felt like a glittering diamond..even if my dress didn't have hundreds of glittering beads that made me look like I was glowing in the setting sun of 7:00 pm. For the first time in my life, I felt truly beautiful. This year I would have not survived without my Zach, to be there for me.

I love you, Zachary. You are my greatest love and my best friend.

For my own venting, feel free to browse along :)

So, life is never simple. I've been feeling sick this week off an on, but I think I worry myself sick at times. It's a very bad circle - Worry about getting sick, and get sick by worrying. Following still? Great! My new medications have done wonders for me, and I feel like I am truly stepping forward instead of backward, which is definitely an improvement. But as life goes on, Karma has to give someday - All the bad will filter out someday, and I will have a big rainbows and bunnies happy day.... Or so my mind would love :) But, I am really tired, so will update more later.

Thoughts, meds, and psychological fun

It's been an interesting couple of weeks.

I feel like an old person, seeing I have like 4 or 5 seperate pill bottles in my purse (and I can't mix them, seeing 2 look very similar, and my God, it'd be bad if I messed them up) But, I am on the road to them figuring out what is wrong with me, which is cool. My psychiatrist said she thinks my problem has been there as a ticking bomb waiting for a light for it's fuse, and the miscarriage sparked enough to light it. Which, makes sense. I've always been an anxious person. Always on edge, never relaxed. Though oddly, people find me very happy-go-lucky most of the time. I try to stay positive, even when I don't think it's particularly true. As she assured me I wasn't insane, that I had been through one of the most hell-bent 6 months she's heard in awhile of someone who is my age. My healthcare provider sent me a letter saying they approved me to get psychological help. Which is nice, maybe my co-pay will go down. I am not sure what all is entitled in that. Zach, God bless his saintly heart, has been there for me every step of the way, telling me I will be fine, and no matter what, I will always be that woman he fell in love with and married. I am afraid that I will not be myself. But he pointed out to me, the anxiety is not what makes me what I am, and it is not what makes me attractive and appealing to him. That alone made me feel better. I know he feels useless sometimes through all this. But he is my rock. I know he will love me forever until the day he dies, whether I am alive or not. I will always love him in my heart, no matter what. It is amazing we will be married 10 months next week.It seems like yesterday. In our marriage so far, we've gone through so much already. If we can weather this, we can weather everything.

More later, ladies and gents... My meds are hitting, and I may need to lay down soon. Love you all :)

~Susan

Simulated Susan

If you know me, one thing I love? Simulation games. The greatest of? The Sims.

I am currently downloading the Sims 3 (Legally, digital download)

I may survive

Woo!

Something of Distraction

[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. --
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[ ] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[x] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school or university.
[ ] I have a job
[ x I've fallen asleep at work/school
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[ ] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[x] I've broken a bone
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[ ] I've had measles

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[x] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from MySpace/LiveJournal
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[x] I've seen the Northern lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged.
[x] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now. sometimes i miss myself. does that count?
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger. church, wouldn't really call it sexual..
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light. not me personally...
[x] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[x] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[x] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own multiple designer purses.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[x] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap
[x] I own something I got on eBay.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[x] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news. sometimes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs. v
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower
[ ] I am a morning person.
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[x] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[x] I've worn pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. sometimes.... ><
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

My heart is broken.

Yesterday after a long 4 hour trip back from Moores Hill, we arrived at our doctor's appointment. Brimming with excitement, but being my nervous self. We sat down for our 9:30 appointment in the waiting room. Around 10:45, we get called in.

I laid down on the table, he began to look for the heartbeat with the Doppler. Nothing. No big deal, right? So we went for an ultrasound. They figured I miscalculated my due date as the baby was much smaller than expected. So we went in for a more detailed ultrasound.

The technician sighs anxiously, turning the screen slightly more away from me. She measured the baby at 7 weeks, 5 days., the yolk sack measuring 8w 5d. My heart broke as I saw and sensed the tech's frustration, and the Doctor patted me on the arm and said he'd tell me what was up when I was all done.

I head into the next room, knowing in my heart that this isn't good, breaking into a heavy sob. The doctor gives me a box of tissues, and tells me all the details of how it isn't my fault, how he is sorry, and how my baby is no longer with us. I watched Zach's heart just crush into a thousand pieces as he had kept optimism that there was just a problem. The doctor proceded to get me an appointment for an immediate D and C at the urgent care center nearby, and wrote me some prescriptions. As the baby had been sitting not growing for 5 weeks, much longer would be toxic for me. I wasn't miscarrying naturally. My body didn't know what to do. He said the chromosonial problem that probably caused it is very common in young first time mothers. Most women just think their period came late, and it doesn't carry on that far.

We go to the emergency center, I go to lay down. I get many sad nurses that try to comfort me, giving me hot blankets after I changed into my hospital gown. I laid in my bed in my little room, with Zach sitting next to me. Zach calls to make sure to not be on call, I hear him crackling, trying not to cry, trying not to fall apart just mentioning I am going to lose our baby. Not that he blames me, but he was afraid for me. The nurse leaves, saying she will be back once my IV is in. The next nurse finds a vein in my hand to put an IV in, and starts a sailene drip. She smiles and leaves. We wait as the lady in the next room is also having the same thing, so we wait our turn. It is 2 now, and the lady comes to wheel me off. Zach goes to wait. The next hour is a blur as they got me situated in the surgery room, and the they administer anesthesia. I wake up to be in the recovery room, feeling like a bundle of crap. They give me some pain medication, so I felt a bit better. Zach and I head home. Our hearts are heavy.